Communication

Yesterday, my best friend and I had a conversation that we've needed to have for about a year now. Because both of us have gone through so much personal shit this year, we've both, at times, reacted badly about it to each other. To be honest, she hasn't been the easiest person to be around this year. She's had problems at home that've made her upset and angry, but instead of talking to me about them, she lashed out. And because I didn't want to make things harder for her, I didn't tell her what was happening in my life, I told other people, making her feel like I was replacing her. And then I felt the same way, when, because she felt guilty about the way she'd been treating me and didn't want to make it worse or for me to worry, started telling other people what her problems or feelings were- when she spoke to anyone at all, and didn't just cut herself.

So we had a talk. And... it went well. We both admitted that we'd been angry with each other for quite a while, and we, well, I don't think either of us fully told each other all the secrets we've been keeping this year, but we both told each other how we'd been feeling, and why we'd been reacting the way we were. And then we forgave each other. It was the quietest end to the quietest argument ever. For this whole year, we haven't shouted at each other- snapped a bit, silently fumed, etc- there's been practically no tears- at least not in front of each other- but both of us have been, at least occasionally, completely furious with each other.

And I'm glad it turned out this way. Because for a while there a few weeks ago, I was so tired and sick of it all and convinced that I couldn't make it better that I nearly just gave up trying. And if I hadn't decided that we were going to have that conversation, even if it hurt both of us or made it worse, then by next year, we might not have been friends at all anymore, because I would have still been feeling angry and resentful, and given up, and she would have been still feeling angry and upset and we would have drifted even more apart than we already were. Or maybe we would have had an actual fight, I don't know.

The thing is, even when I decided to talk to her, I half expected that just bringing it up would cause a fight. She's been very touchy this year, and when stuff at home has been especially bad she would just snap at me for anything I said. And given that the first thing I asked was if she was still cutting herself... I don't think that there's ever a good time to bring that up. But I had to ask, because I saw the cuts on her arms a few weeks ago, but it took me this long to ask, partly because we were never alone for long enough, and partly because I felt angry and guilty, because when she first did it, earlier in the year, I didn't find out because she told me, or because I noticed. A mutual friend told me, by accident. And it hurt that my best friend didn't think she could tell me about something like that, or that I didn't notice.

So, even though I thought it might make her angry, it didn't. I think it hurt her, a bit, that I'd brought it up, but she was willing to talk to me, so I could tell her, calmly, that I was angry. I tried, and I think I managed it, not to sound like I was accusing her of anything, that I blamed her for anything. I told her the truth, and I'm pretty sure she told me the truth back. To be honest, this is the first real argument that we've ever had. And we've settled it a lot better than she's settled arguments with other people at school over the years, some of whom she now no longer speaks to. (It sounds, I don't know, conceited to say it, but it's true. This is quite literally the first fight I've had with anyone at school)

On the sidebar of this blog, it says that I'm a student trying to survive high school. But when I say that, most of the time, I don't mean the lessons and homework and assignments and exams and things like that, because I can choose whether or not I do them or care about them. Failing high school isn't the end of the world. Instead, I'm mostly talking about things like this, the personal stuff that can happen to anyone at any time at any stage in there life, that will always matter and you can't make them not matter. I'm talking about things like your best friend cutting herself, divorces, running away, abuse, fights, arrests, drugs, sex, alcohol, break ups- everything that goes wrong, that can go wrong. All those things are things that I've dealt with this year- some of them not personally, but because people I'm close to have been, and I can't not help them to deal with it. And they're the things that have worried me the most this year, because they matter the most. School? I suppose I'm lucky, in that I can be reasonably guaranteed of good results with a minimum or effort, but beyond that... school, and results, in the general scheme of things, don't matter. Life will still go on without them. You can still get into universities. You can still have a job. You can still succeed. You can still have family, friends, a life, all without perfect grades or even a high school certificate. Yes, it makes things a little easier to start off some careers, but it's not the most important thing. And a lot of the time, I forget that, and stress about whether or not I'm getting the marks I think I ought to be getting. But I'm trying not to.

I originally decided to keep things like this off the blog, even though they were most of the reason I started it in the first place. But I've realised that's kind of stupid. I'm not any more qualified to give advice about how to deal with things like this than I am to give advice about high school, but the main way I've got through this year is talking about it, and listening to other people talk about it, because it helped to know that I wasn't the only one, and that my problems weren't as bad as they sometimes seemed. Even though it sometimes overwhelms me, I love helping other people. So go ahead. Talk to me. Tell me your problems. Or else just read about mine. But more than that, talk to the people you need to talk to. Even if it might make things worse, if it's worth it, do it. I've been there, too, this year, and I still feel guilty for what happened because of what I did, even though, in the end, it turned out for the better- I think.

And now I'm just going to go ahead and post this, before I chicken out and delete it.